Being demanding in the choice of a spouse: the advice of Ibn 'Uthaymīn

Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymīn (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

The question asked

She says: "I have a practising friend (I consider her as such, and I do not claim to purify anyone before Allah), but she is very demanding in the choice of her husband. She wants a husband who is religious and of good character. Five men have asked for her hand and she refused them all, even though they perform the prayer.

She says: 'I was married before to a religious man, but I could not go on living with him; the married life lasted only a few months. So I do not want to fall into the same mistake again. I will only marry a man who is truly committed, otherwise I will not marry at all.'

Does she bear a sin for acting this way?"

The Shaykh's answer

She bears no sin as long as she seeks to choose the one who is best, the most fit for good companionship and the most steadfast upon his path.

As for what she mentioned — that she married a man without true religion and that life together did not work out between them — I say that hearts are in the hands of Allah ﷻ. How many people have loved someone and then come to hate them, or hated someone and then come to love them!

That is why it is said:

"Love the one you love with moderation, for he may one day become the one you hate; and hate the one you hate with moderation, for he may one day become the one you will love."

Oppression in the name of authority

Yes, there are people who oppress women; even if they have an appearance of religion, they reduce the woman to near-slavery, imposing on her what is not obligatory for her, on the pretext that he is her husband, that he is the head of the household and that she is a woman, captive under his authority. This is a mistake.

Allah ﷻ says in His Book:

"And live with them in kindness."

And He says:

"And due to them is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise."

The balance of rights

Some men are not content with that degree, but appropriate all the degrees and leave the woman no right at all. Likewise, some women behave haughtily towards their husband and do not grant him his right; and even when they do grant it, they do so reluctantly, with irritation or heaviness.

The duty of each of the two spouses is therefore to carry out what Allah has commanded: good companionship. And when both spouses fear their Lord in this, married life endures and grows stronger.

In summary

No blame falls on this woman who refrains from marrying if she is waiting for someone towards whom her soul truly inclines.